Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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