"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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