but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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