Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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