Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
