you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
