i think my mom watched the whole time
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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