I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
