Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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