I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
