You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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