I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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