Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
