I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize