If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
