Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
