my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
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