I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
