allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
