I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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