Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
