i need an iv and a liver transplant
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
