I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
