i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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