I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
