Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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