There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
