I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
