So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
