I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
