How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize