drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
