From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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