im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My Higher Power is John Stamos
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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