It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
