Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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