i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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