i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
