I haven't been this sober since birth.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
