So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
