her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
