There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
