I'm lost and stupid without you.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
