i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
