Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
