For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
