K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
