Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize