I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
