wanna go halves on a baby?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
