I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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