I hate your face
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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