By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
