my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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