there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
