I am in a vortex of obligation.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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