Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
