I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
