hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
