I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
