You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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