Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
