I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
