Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
