I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize