bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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