Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
