My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
