the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
