you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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