If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
