Buhtt sex?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
either way he was missing a nipple.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
